People have often discussed this with me and here are some thoughts…
To Spank?…
Some people do employ spanking. If one truly believes that God Himself has guided to discipline by using pain-inducing methods, moderation is imperative. Even with the best of intentions, it’s so easy to overdo or use a level of strength or method that causes harm. And when kids begin to blame others for what they did, then the additional possibility of misdirected spanking comes into play. It’s much easier to take back some other form of character-building consequence than to erase pain.
Often people misquote “spare the rod, spoil the child”, which is actually nowhere in the Bible. The scriptures many people use to support physical contact that induces some form of pain on a child as the incentive to do right are often these:
“He who withholds his rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines him diligently.”
Proverbs 13:24 NASB
“Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; The rod of discipline will remove it far from him.”
Proverbs 22:15 NASB
“Do not hold back discipline from the child, Although you strike him with the rod, he will not die.”
Proverbs 23:13 NASB
“The rod and reproof give wisdom, But a child who gets his own way brings shame to his mother.”
Proverbs 29:15 NASB
Don’t stop reading! Please read on…
What is a “Rod”?
The word “rod” is actually a stick that can be used for walking as well as punishing. Remember, shepherds used rods, as David mentions in Psalm 23 when he says “Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me”. He’s not saying that being beaten with a rod by God brings comfort. A shepherd uses their rod to keep a sheep with the flock, not by cracking it over the head or body, but by using it to push, tap, nudge, and perhaps occasionally poke the straying sheep back with the group. David is using shepherd terms to explain that God’s direction and guidance brings comfort…when adhered to. And Solomon, the author of Proverbs, was the son of the shepherd and Psamlist, David, so he was raised hearing the shepherd terms David used in explanations and verbal illustrations.
Words in the Bible are often one word translations when there is actually much more meaning to them. That’s why I often use a concordance, to get the deeper meaning and to be able to debunk the misunderstandings many live their lives by, believing they’re doing right because that’s what the pastor or their parents told them. Yet often it’s a misunderstood meaning handed down from generation to generation that may actually cause harm. Always check things out for yourself.
Define “Strike”…
The word “strike” in Proverbs 23:13, while it can mean severely strike, wound, kill and even slaughter, we know those meanings do not support God’s character, especially toward children. It can also mean lightly strike and cause to go forward, and that definition more closely matches the character of God, and that’s why David says it brings comfort to one who is willing to be nudged back into the herd and away from danger.
Our children need to learn self-control, yet there are many constructive ways to accomplish this without inducing physical pain, and without verbal bashing. When they grow up, life will teach them lessons, usually not by pain but by non-contact lessons in self-control. It would give them a head-start in living a self-controlled independent life if we as parents get them to learn that concept early on. By learning self-control without pain-inducing physical contact, while we as parents are careful to use our words to build Godly character and reinforce their value and worth. These are lessons they can carry on into adulthood, instead of having the delay of a learning curve as they then attempt to acquire the knowledge and skill to learn by this new method of non-striking guidance.
Consequence Options…
Consequence examples: an extra chore, forfeiting their allowance, missing out on an event they had looked forward to, restricted a favorite food choice for a period of time, even having to sit still and quiet for a few minutes is enough to teach a little one the meaning of self-control.
When mine was very little, the consequence was to sit still and be quiet without playing, without moving around, for several minutes. I would say something like “You need to practice how to control yourself so that next time you can use SELF-control and not have consequences.” When the time was done (depending on age, 5-15 minutes, with 5 minutes added if the rules were broken), I would kneel in front so I would be down to her level and ask if she knew why she had consequence, then I would more fully explain, and discuss what would’ve been a better way for her to respond. The next step was an explanation of the scripture:
To paraphrase, Jesus said if we are presenting our offering at the altar, and there remember that our brother has something against us, we are to leave our offering there before the altar and go; to first be reconciled to our brother, and then come and present our offering to God.
Matthew 5:23-24
I would explain this means that an apology and request for forgiveness should be given to me first, making sure to explain that saying “I’m sorry” means nothing if nothing changes, and that saying sorry should mean that we feel bad about what we did and we choose to change to do our absolute best not to repeat that behavior or action. Then I would coach her to say, “Doing [insert wrong] was wrong,” then it was important that she make eye contact when “I’m sorry. Will you please forgive me?” is said. (Sometimes this would take a time or two for eye contact to be maintained, but so very important to master.) I would verbalize forgiveness and then remind her of the scripture and to now address the behavior with God. She would get on her knees and pray, verbalizing what had been done that was wrong, ask God to forgive her, and then ask Him for His help as she chooses not to do it again. Then we’d hug and go on to something else.
Consistency is KEY!
Children need CONSISTENT Godly coaching from us during those few short years they are with us to “Train up a child in the way he should go, [so that] Even when he is old he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6
Our consistent Godly example (walk the walk, don’t just talk the talk), and consistent Godly counsel and guidance is so crucially vital to their lifelong wellbeing.
Just something to think and pray about…
Thank you for sharing. Good thoughts. Something to definitely consider. Jesus never struck anyone, even though He would get upset with people at times. He taught instead. And hitting teaches people to hit. Yes, CONSISTENCY is definitely the key! With the Godly guidance and reasoning. God bless you! Thanks!