Dark Days

I find myself in a period of life where death has been happening more frequently:

• to loved ones who pass before you get to see them,
• to friends who die so unexpectedly and sometimes so young,
• to beloved family pets that have been there so long that it’s hard to remember a time when they weren’t there,
• and to complete strangers (like the recent mass shootings) but still so sad

…just a lot of death. It’s hard to always be up when there’s so much of it closing in all around.

Live well…

It reminds me how fragile life is. It reaffirms my resolve to do my best to always end an encounter with words I won’t regret should something snatch one of us away, removing the possibility of ever being able to apologize. It makes this point all the more important to live by: It’s better to live in a way that doesn’t require an apology, because “sorry” can never make it as though it never happened. Asking for forgiveness doesn’t reverse time and make the instance disappear. It only dresses the bandage under which the wound may heal but a scar will remain.

Love…

Love on those whom the Lord has blessed you with, while they are here to be with.

In the past year, I’ve attended the funeral for a teen that was completely unexpected and sudden. This same family rapidly experienced the death of two family pets and a parent/grandparent all within several months. An older relative had a fall from which they healed wonderfully and was doing well but passed not long after going home. My parents and their siblings are aging. (My dad was one of 14 siblings, and is now one of just five.) My dog is almost 18 years old and now he’s lost most of his vision and hearing as well as his ability to run and jump, often falling down and experiencing dementia. I know some would expect me to euthanize my precious canine but I’m not the Giver of Life and feel it’s therefore not up to me to take.

Sometimes the fragility of life and my own helplessness to really make much of a difference just hits me.

I’m a Fixer…

I’ve always been someone who likes fixing things: old furniture, broken things. It’s translated into a tendency to want to be able to fix people. I tend to want to help and make a positive Godly difference, especially with those closest to me. Some people call it a “God” complex, or a “superman” complex. But I realized a long time ago that I am not “the Saviour”, and only Jesus can do that job! Yet I still battle the desire to make things better, and when I see hurt, I feel it, even when it’s not mine.

It’s too big…

To repair every brokenness, to heal every hurt, to see every loved one who is aging or sick, to be able to infuse with health and youth all those who need it, is just too big a job for a mere human like me. It’s these days when I’m watching my dog’s life ebbing away, when I’m watching loved ones (human and pet) age and I can’t stop it nor make it better, when I see my child growing faster than fast and having difficulty choosing wisely, that I have to remind myself to give it all to God. I have to remember that He is way bigger than me, and that He can handle it way better than little ol’ human me.

God cares…

In Matthew 10, Jesus speaks of the sparrow and says that not one of them fall to the ground outside of His will. He goes on to tell us that we should not fear because we are more valuable than many sparrows. So when I feel especially small, it should remind me how big He is. When I feel helpless, it reminds me He is able. I wont always know why or may not always know what He’s doing, but I know He promises to bring good out of everything for those who have chosen to live according to His purpose.