The Big C….

I’ve noticed something about…well…at least myself…

When I hear someone I don’t know has been diagnosed with cancer or some serious life-threatening condition, I feel sorry for them. I pray for them, their doctors and medical staff, their family, and their loved ones. If they pull through, I am thankful for them, and thank God (literally) for intervening for them.

When I hear a friend or family member has been diagnosed with cancer or some serious life-threatening condition, I feel sorry for them. A flash of memories (usually the best ones) go flashing through my mind, and I pray for them, their doctors and medical staff, their family, and their loved ones. And again, if they pull through, I am thankful for them AND for myself still being able to have them in my life, and again I thank God (literally) for intervening for not just them, but all of us.

When I hear a close family member has been diagnosed with cancer or some serious life-threatening condition, something a little different begins to happen. Not only do I feel sorry for them, have a flash of memories (usually the best ones) go flashing through my mind, and I pray for them, their doctors and medical staff, their family, and their loved ones. I also start feeling the prick and poke of my own vulnerability and mortality.

Like when I almost lost my brother this year…I mean barely almost lost him. It begins to feel too close to home. Not only did I not want to lose him, but I also find myself not wanting to die quite yet.

My Companion…sort of…

I have had a “beauty mark” on my face for as long as I can remember. It began looking like a pale freckle. I remember being annoyed with having it, but for the most part, I thought it cool that I had a “Beauty Mark”! 🥰

As the years have passed, it has grown up with me. It’s not a “witches mole” with hair sticking out of it! 🤣 Nothing like that! It’s color is still almost unnoticeable, but it has grown. I’ve been concerned it might rip off my face 😳 or bleed when I wash my face and wipe it with a washcloth or a towel. Yikes! I made an appointment for my doctor to look at it.

The Doctor’s Office…

At first she acted like it was no big deal. She told me to come back on a different day and they would “just scrape it off”. Badda bing badda boom! Ok. That didn’t sound so bad. Whew! (Although I have to admit, when she said they’d use a RAZOR BLADE to “just scrape it off”, that was a little unsettling. 😳 You know, that brief fleeting flash of a second of fear? Yep, that was it. But it pretty much passed…pretty much.) 👍

When the day came, I found myself beginning to miss my beauty mark before it had even been removed. Silly, huh? 😂 (I began to “parent” myself to reason with the scared child within that we all still have even though we don’t like to admit it.) I told myself this is a good thing. It’s better than the alternative of causing an injury to myself or it becoming something bad if given enough time. Ok. Let’s do this!

Uh oh…

When I arrived at the doctor’s office, prepared to say goodbye to my long time companion, the doctor REALLY looked at it…and looked at it. I’ve already got some nervousness about my FACE being CUT on! Now I’m feeling a little MORE anxiety. I know she’s examining it a little too long and a little too closely for it to be nothing.

When she concluded the analysis, she stepped back and smiled…with a pause. (I really don’t like those “pregnant pauses”. They’re usually followed by something bad. Sometimes good. But usually bad.) She went on to say I would need to see a dermatologist. Apparently, she is concerned it may be MORE than something to “just scrape off”.

???

Basil Cell Carcinoma. I heard that phrase and I think my heart stopped for a moment because I know “basil cell” and “carcinoma” both mean cancer. Breathe…

She explained she was in no way certain but wants to err on the side of caution, going on to say this is the “best type of cancer to have”. Wait, what??? “Best” type of “cancer”?? Yes, I realize (after she explained) why that would be true. But I’m still hearing words like “cancer” and “specialist” and “they may need to go much deeper than a scrape”. Ok so now I’m envisioning a huge bone-deep crater on my FACE! 😳😧 Breathe…

Maybe I’m a big baby. But I don’t think I’m alone in feeling these feelings at least whiz through before being dismissed. Right?

Anyway, the doctor assured me not to worry and scheduled an appointment with the dermatologist in a month. In the meantime, I am still “parenting” myself, reassuring myself. I’m keeping my focus on the fact that it’s not a proven fact that it’s cancer, and that God is with me whether it is or whether it isn’t. I am in His hands, and that’s a great place to be.